Determination

Remembering the evening both had wished upon a shooting star, having loved without holding back, and knowing the love they had would always satisfy. Then again maybe not....

The sun was at it warmest and the skies were clear blue with only a cloud here and there. Joy was all around these two. Janice and Stanley, both had just signed the papers to become home owner's. Holding hands they walked around the yard to see what might be in order for planting trees, flowers and bushes, as it was on the neglected, dry side right now.

Luckily he was still holding her hand, she hadn't seen the huge hole just in front of her. You could hear the bone pop as she screamed in pain. First trip to the "ER", sadly was not to be the last. X-ray showed a broken ankle and then the cast was placed on temporarily till surgery could be planned. Pins will be necessary and the sooner the better.

Janice still holding on to that first Kiss, even though she is so drugged up, it turns her on . "Please forgive me baby, I am so sorry for all this...Come a little closer...I need you, I remember it all now" !!!! Drugs can bring out what one is really thinking and her husband is wondering right now what all this babbling means...however he contributes it to the drugs.

Stanley decided just to fill up that hole with dirt and couldn't help wonder why it was so big? A mole, a gopher, maybe an old hole hollowed from water? He planned to start her favorite flower in that very place...and for sure before she arrived home from surgery. His feelings seemed to warn him. Was this a bad sign to their new beginning. He just wondered?

Recovery took awhile, but being young in age is a wonderful thing and soon they were the neighborhoods favorite people. A close friendly bunch of youthful young parents and parents-to-be. The neighborhood consisted of firemen, policemen, computer wizards, fishermen, nurse's, stay at home mother's, musicians, phone repairmen, carpenters; you name it they all were the work-a-holics of America. Proud to be where they were and proud to be among the employed.
Located in a small country town, creek running directly behind the house and a field full of cows.

The women got up early sent their men off to work, after fixing breakfast and the children's lunches , then the girls always had their coffee time together.
Oh yes; there were the "clicks" among the neighborhood, but mostly they had fun together, BBQ'S, fishing trips on the bay, shopping and of course PTA meeting (Parent Teachers Association), which helped their children adjust to the system. They were all Block Parents...if any child needed help these Mother's were there for them.

Friday nights were especially fun, the neighborhood joined in drinking beer, playing loud music
and having water fights in the hot summers. Getting wet the ladies nipples penetrated their tops , with the men loving it.The guys with their fresh catch from the waters and the BBQ's hot , cooking the catch of the day, hot dogs, hambugers, whatever they had handy.

The children running around with such joy and having so much fun...not to say the adults weren't having a good "feel" here and there from roaming hands , it helped morals all the way around, there were many, making it more secretive and special, yet no one seemed to notice? Well let's say no one talked about it. Running into each other as they gayfully laughed and soaked the one next to them with the hose, or the water balloons, all in fun ?

Of course the competition among the men was hilarious, well to the ladies anyway. They had fully discussed the problems of the families, the neighborhood , the world and had no worries. Most of the time not holding back anything they were feeling, very personal and intimate. They shared it all !! only later to regret some of the things that were discussed so openly.

Janice took care of the beautiful "Blackeyed Susan's" Stanley had sweetly planted for her, but they just gave her problems. Seems it was always needing more soil, at first she never thought much about it, then decided to ask him if he had any ideas? Though he was not much of a gardener he promised to check.

Tired of asking and waiting; she dug the flowers up to find the hole was huge and, it seemed something had been buried in this spot. Janice was afraid to dig any further, as some thoughts more horrid then she ever could remember thinking came to mind. Worried the kids may fall into it she put boards over it and asked Stanley to take a look, also to place some sort of fence for the safety of the children.

This home had been previously owned by a couple of strange men, and the neighborhood was glad when they saw the "For Sale" sign go up. No one had ever mentioned this at the daily coffee clatchs. Seems these guys were from back east, everyone thought they had something to do the Maffia and they weren't around often during the day, but active more at night . They kept the front yard looking very nice, but no one ever really saw the backyard or actually wanted to see it, there was always some fear when these two rough looking guys were out and about.

The news about this upset Janice but even more so as she was telling Stanley about it. He went outside and made the hole bigger to find a suspicious wooden box buried about 4-5 feet deep. Not knowing what could be in it, he called the City Authorities to ask what he should do? They decided to send the fire department out to take a look, with the bomb squad, and told them not to touch it, there may be dynamite, loaded guns, or even some sort of a bomb.

Sirens always bring lookers and excited children, as the crowd gathered to see what was going on. Janice and Stanley were just as nervous as anyone could be and asked if the children (they had 3, two girls and a boy) could please stay at the neighbors house across the street. Wanting all the children away from the yard and worrying that they may become frightened, it was decided the neighbors would take all the neighborhood children to the park for a playday whilst the firemen did what they could. Just about that time, at the end of the block came the Ice Cream truck, perfect timing as they ran to buy their favorite treat. Quickly forgetting about why the fire trucks were here.

If it was a bomb or dynamite it could blow up, so everyone was very concerned...it was in a white plastic bag and seems the Monroe dynamite company, (the name the label had on it,) has not produced any since in the 1970's, but the bomb squad assured the residents this is somewhat common around here, mostly found in old barns...This area was farming a long time ago. Not knowing just how long this had been underground the residents were told to evacuate till they could remove the dynamite, as they welcomingly did, wishing good luck to the local firemen, after all they were all family members too.

In a flash things changed quickly!! The explosion was heard for miles , everyone now had heard about this dangerous undergoing. Keeping the inquisative away was a big problem and then the ambulances were summoned. Four or five of them rushed to the scene not sure what they might find,but they all knew fellow comrades were at the scene.


His words rang in her ears " go across the street and wait there I am staying right here, it will be okay" "Oh I Love You baby" were the last words she was going to hear.
Janice had pleaded with him to at least come across the street with her, that the bomb squad knew what they were doing, but he simply said "no, I am staying here to see what they do, if anything happens they are in more danger then I am".
When the dynamite went off it threw a giant boulder right through the roof of the house and directly on top of Stanley, he died instantly...
Running back across the street into the shambles,calling his name she stumbles and falls, as God would have, right next to where Stanley laid dead.

Two of the firemen were also injured, but with cuts and bruises because they were wearing protective bomb equipment and who would have ever thought about a boulder ?

Panic sets in and she just runs,runs and runs. Why was he so stubborn and why didn't he let the experts do their jobs they are trained to do? The firemen tried to get him to leave but this was his first home and he refused. .

What the hell is she gonna do now? didn't even get to say goodbye and tell him she loved him so much...why why why???

Is there really a God? Why have I had any Faith all these years? As she looked up and saw the hole in the sky with the light coming through she was frightened. Never thinking it was Stanley who was so desperatly trying to penetrate her soul and explain, comfort her, trying to tell her he was so sorry for his bad choices during their married life. He now could see what was meant to be and for her to go on, to always know he would be beside her, to know he loved her as well as their children.
He knew all to well what had happened behind his back.
Shit this didn't help her now,she had her own sins to deal with , he just wanted to hold her once more.

She took a new attitude, forget the Mustang they bought, painted yellow and restored... forget the mechanic that over took her one day, but she enjoyed it...and she is now out to defend and conquer the screwed up male species.

"I want you to know , it doesn't matter where we take this road....I just love you enough to let you go. Someone's gotta go and I could have not Loved you better. I am already gone baby. Move on my love....it just can't feel right when it is wrong"...
...the song rings in her head and she knows it is so true...feeling words are so powerful when put to music.

Sitting quietly in deep thought on the edge of the bridge, her swollen eye hidden by long blond hair and the bruises on her shoulder were covered by the wool sweater. Chilled air was not a problem right now, but her heart beat with a rhythm like a speeding bullet.

Summer has turned to winter and she is firm in finding these two rough men that killed her husband. Just who do they think they are? Well she knows in her heart it may not have been them, but she has her own suspicions, her world has come crushing down and someone is to blame... so she seeks them out. Realizing they never really took care of the backyard, maybe it wasn't them...huh? Or just a cover up?

Her imagination takes over and actually she becomes careless in caring for her three children. The women in the so called 'coffee clatch', seem distant and not so supportive anymore, the firemen seem like it wasn't their fault. She turns to drugs to ease the pain...which brings more pain and confusion. When a heart breaks it doesn't break even. The best part of her is gone, she is falling to pieces, even though she knows things happen for a reason, this is beyond her, she is totally lost, and the drugs intensify all her feelings. She just wants to die.

It wasn't long before the authorities were there to check on the phone calls they had received about neglectful handling of her three children. She wasn't really too surprised, knowing herself like she does. Thoughts were not her own anymore, being overwhelmed with the children's dad gone and trying to make things NORMAL ? again...repair the house , tend to everything alone,wanting help, but too proud to ask for any...

Thank God her mother came to the rescue, the children were now with her. Janice was going to go to a re-hab and try to kick this drug habit, she promised, but it was not to happen immediately, she had business to take of.


Janice managed to buy a gun in another town, bullets and a manual, she had never fired one before and though she was nervous she was not afraid. Determination was the feeling she had.